Temp's Jokes

[Tempestuous]

So I decided since I post a lot of jokes, I would just start one thread to house all my lame-ass jokes. :thumbup:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visualize the following:

You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the church steps. The photographer raises his camera.

Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new husband stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait.

The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky.
Not a dry eye in the house, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity....Wedding Gown $2,500.
Photographer $2,000
..............
Having "the twins" pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends... PRICELESS!!!!!

[P_chan]

Sounds like a good time to me.

[Tempestuous]

Can't beat THAT customer service!!!

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the
bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

[ness4k]

that was a good one

[Tempestuous]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You LovedMe.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Tempestuous]

Maxine's Living will (Maxine is the crotchety lady on the Hallmark Cards & subject of many emails *smile*)
~~~~~~~

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing" and call it a day!

[Tempestuous]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied..
*****I wanna know who mows their lawn after taking a shower???***
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
------------------------------------------------------

[Tempestuous]

Grandma's Oops

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"


She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.


"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."


Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.


A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."

[Tempestuous]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "Don't you like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?

[Tempestuous]

FIRST PAYCHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied,
"I will if those @ssholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F***ING sheet rock."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye !

[Tempestuous]

*corny but it made me smile*

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
Joe is dying & Moe visits him every day.
One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years.
Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed,
" Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here,too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still,it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Tempestuous]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very
diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place... smack his arse again!"

[Tempestuous]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his
eye.....It reads:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES


He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees
another sign, which says:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES


Suddenly, he begins to realise that these signs are
for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son.
Please follow me."


He is led through many winding passages and is soon
quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, Please knock on this
door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun
instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway".......


He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall
and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him........


As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT,

YOU SINNER

[Cathleen_38]

Pretty funny, I must say!!

[Tempestuous]

LITTLE Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU."

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Tempestuous]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Tempestuous]

Okay, so this will be the last lame joke for today. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

[atb35]

haha...that is awesome

[Tempestuous]

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket while he was passed out and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. :ohmy:

[Tempestuous]

10. You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

[dk]

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
Great list temp. :D

[Boost]

Great list temp. :D

I know I was hooked at #10! :thumbup:

[Tempestuous]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,
but when they go, they take your house and car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

------------------------------------------------------------------


The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Tempestuous]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.


I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'


The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The
Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type.'
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*****And my favorite. The King of today's lame one liners*******

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' :D

[dk]

Those were bad temp.....

:argh3:

[Tempestuous]

Those were bad temp.....

:argh3:

:D
I know.
I groaned at a couple of them but the cowboy one really made me laugh.
It is just soooo lame, it's funny.:)

[kombu_kid]

You were doing so good....then...down in flames!\:-)

[Tempestuous]

Remember it is a lame joke....read through to the bottom. :)


Wine versus Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom, in Beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
That if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the End of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine
& beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol
Has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
Fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
Water and be full of shit.

[Muku]

Then I have to be the healthiest guy on the planet here!:w00t:

[Muku]

Temp when I read this one I immediately thought of you...:p


THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . . .







"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Tempestuous]

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

You did good!!!!

I also think it's funny that you read a lame joke and thought of me. Before you know it, I might wear off on you & you too might start to like lame jokes! :eek:

Thanks for the laugh!

[dk]

"You just happened to catch my eye."
Aw man... :argh3:

[Tempestuous]

Corny as hell, wasn't it?


What goes ha - ha - ha clunk?

[dk]

*waits for it*

[Tempestuous]

:D


Are you still waiting??



Perhaps it is too lame for you too enjoy? :ohmy:



A man, laughing his head off.
:thumbup::thumbup:
That joke cracks me up everytime. It is kinda morbid- but the mental picture of the guys head actually falling off as he laughs,
in a sick and twisted way, is VERY funny.

[dk]

So, anyone want temp's spot as forum moderator?! :D

[Tempestuous]

HEY!!!! That's not nice!!!

I would say I will stop with the lame jokes, but I am smart enough to know that could never happen. :)

They are just too much for me to resist!!!

[Tempestuous]

Besides, we can't all be as cool as you.:cool:

And be pale faced computer boys. :D

[Muku]

And be pale faced computer boys. :D

Ouch..........:w00t:

[Tempestuous]

Yeah, if it wasn't something he openly proclaimed about himself, it would be more of a sting.

As it stands-
it is about the same as me saying I like lame jokes- kinda obvious. ;)

[dk]

Hey, but I did get some sun this weekend!

I wore a hat though, and stayed in the shade as much as possible. :D

[Tempestuous]

*hear's dk*
I'm melting, I'm melting!!!
* Gasping *
Must get back indoors!!!

[Muku]

And I thought his coloring was due to a moon burn:-| :rolleyes:

[Tempestuous]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew
the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into
laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena
"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Tempestuous]

Yes, MY jokes may be lame......................
But at least they aren't THIS lame. :D

Joke

[DocTurtle]

What did the mexican firefighter name his two kids? Jose and Jos-B.

[Tempestuous]

LOL!
funny, funny!

[Tempestuous]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got,
"Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Tempestuous]

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

[Tempestuous]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[Tempestuous]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Muku]

Before actually reading the preceeding post here.....I am almost afraid to read it because it's going to be really lame and, well here I go:w00t:



Damn definely not what I expected there Temp.....

Isnt it a shame things like that cant happen today? Great post there Temp thank you. It is food for thought.:thumbup1:

[Tempestuous]

Isnt it a shame things like that cant happen today? Great post there Temp thank you. It is food for thought.:thumbup1:

Eh, you're welcome. I thought a few of the points were pretty interesting/worth the consideration.

[hankypanky]

Before actually reading the preceeding post here.....I am almost afraid to read it because it's going to be really lame and, well here I go:w00t:



Damn definely not what I expected there Temp.....

Isnt it a shame things like that cant happen today? Great post there Temp thank you. It is food for thought.:thumbup1:

wow, civility

[Tempestuous]

Men all over the country are Urging their wives and Sweethearts to get this 'chic' new Procedure.

The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000 :ohmy:.

Many men feel it is Worth it!!!!

http://chasingdaisy.com/blogimages/ultimate-body-piercing.jpg

[Muku]

Men all over the country are Urging their wives and Sweethearts to get this 'chic' new Procedure.

The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000 :ohmy:.

Many men feel it is Worth it!!!!


Wow Temp....I was expecting jokes here today from you and instead you are coming up with truly useful and helpful suggestions and ideas, :thumbup:

Nothing "lame" here today!:p

[Tempestuous]

# Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

# Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

# You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

# 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

# You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

# You watch the Weather Channel.

# Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

# You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

# Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

# You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

# Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

# You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

# Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

# You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

# Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

# You take naps

# Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

# Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

# You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

# A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

# You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

# "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

# 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work

# You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

# You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old a$$

[Muku]

Back to "normal" I see :p

[TheLastDon]

Temps jokes bad or worse still make a smile to form on my face.:D

[dk]

# 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work
Damn... I'm already old? :crying:

[Tempestuous]

Damn... I'm already old? :crying:

Yup, You & Boost have been "old" for quite some time now. :D

[Boost]

Yup, You & Boost have been "old" for quite some time now. :D

Ack!!! :thumbdown:

[Tempestuous]

The Semen Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"She tried a rubber device she ordered from some internet web site but it broke.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"


The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open!"

[Tempestuous]

About eight years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton administration.

Every last one of them missed.
:D

[Tempestuous]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded:
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied:
Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Muku]

A truck flipped over on the highway, spilling a load of tacks. The driver got out and tried to warn other motorists.

But soon there were cars with flat tires all over the highway. Before long, the police arrived. Just then, a woman pulled up. “What’s going on?” she asked a police officer. “We’re trying to find someone to pick up all these tacks,” he answered.

“Well,” the woman replied, “why don’t you just call the tacks collector?”

[Tempestuous]

:)
I got a little chuckle outta it.

You are indeed correct, lame.

[okisteve]

The Annual Joke Program of Prairie Home Companion was just on this morning. I think it can be downloaded on some sites, maybe Amer. Public Media.

It wasn't as good as some previous years, but maybe I was still half asleep.

[Sif: wife of Thor]

Here's one I heard years ago...

Two guys and a dog sitting on a hill under a tree...one was a city boy, the other a country boy..as the dog began licking himself...the city boy looked at the country boy as asked..."Man, don't you wish you could do that?"...Country boy with his southern drawl....said..."Naaaw...He might bite me?":scared:

[Sex Wax]

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

[Sex Wax]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, everythings over.

[SPMF#1]

LMAO I have never heard that mama joke before. Good one!

[Tempestuous]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his tractor fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the local Tesco store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Country store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 160 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house at the end of the villiage. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"


The farmer said, "good god woman! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"


The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!

[Muku]

Temp is that how you got to know boost?:w00t:

[shawncot]

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!

She'll hold the chickens that's pretty funny!

[Tempestuous]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show yo how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[kombu_kid]

Q: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?

A: At a straight rodeo, they yell "ride that sucker!!!!!"

[Sif: wife of Thor]

Q. What kind of bird brings babies...?
A. a Stork

Q. What kind of bird prevents babies...?
A. a Swallow

[SPMF#1]

The Marine And The Terrorist:

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, 'I was armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was an armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag
who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat,
good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to
drive.

Then I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us.'

[SPMF#1]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there look ing at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission.

[Tempestuous]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them".

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless idiot". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. "

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

[Tempestuous]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by
The condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?


The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.


Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
There 3 in this package?"


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."


"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married
Men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[Tempestuous]

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast. Since they live
On a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the Little Johnny

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his Chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the
Chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a
Cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
Dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have
Any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
Get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
For a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you
Aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
Halfway across the kitchen.

The Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Muku]

I got this one in an email and the first thing I thought of was you Temp:smile4:
Many people believe that Hannibal, the great Carthaginian military leader, crossed the alps on pachyderms. Supposedly, their size gave the Carthaginians an advantage over the Romans. In reality, Hannibal had no other alternative because he had so much equipment to haul. He knew that, to be successful, he would need to rely on the elephant of supplies.

[Tempestuous]

*Groan*
Wow! Glad something so pathetically lame made you think of me:149:


Here's some goofy classifieds for ya:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything

[dk]

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
:thumbup: I like this one.

[Tempestuous]

An older Jewish man married a younger woman.
After several months,
the young woman complained that she had
never climaxed during sex and
by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled
to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi tells them to get a young,
strong, virile young man to wave a towel
over them while they are having sex.
This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it.

After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi.
The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming
earsplitting climaxes,one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks
down at the young man and
says, "You see, schmuck, That's
how you wave a towel."

[Tempestuous]

Signs around town......
(someone didn't think before posting)


TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during
a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Tempestuous]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore
his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

[Muku]

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT HONEY BEES

A long time ago, there was a beehive in a forest. Every day, worker bees went into the fields, gathered pollen, and brought it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though. Every so often an intruder would come. A bear wanted the honey or kids thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being intelligent bees, they built an alarm system for the hive. When one bee pulled a lever, an alarm that the bees could hear in the fields was triggered. The worker bees returned to protect their home.

One bee was exclusively assigned that job. He was named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

The security of the hive depended on this one Lever Bee. So he had to be constantly ready and on the alert.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

[dk]

Oh wow, yeah, that was worse than many of Temp's jokes...

At first I didn't get it, so I had to dumb myself down for a second. :D

[Tempestuous]

Oh wow, yeah, that was worse than many of Temp's jokes...

At first I didn't get it, so I had to dumb myself down for a second. :D

Thanks for the compliment......I think. :scratchchin:

Yeah- Muku's level of Lame jokes is just a tad more extreme than mine- more like BAD jokes ;)

But I love him anyways.... he still throws me ones that makes me laugh from time to time.

Guess I need to post some more jokes.......

One I was told recently-

Why doesn't Santa have any children????????????




Wait for it......




.........



you still waiting?


.........


Cause........


He only cums once a year and its in a Chimney
:D:D:D:D:D

[dk]

He only cums once a year and its in a Chimney
:D:D:D:D:D
OH MY GOD! You actually made me laugh for once! :first:

[Muku]

Temp that wasn't lame by any standard. :grin1:

For some reason now when I see jokes like the one I posted previously you pop into my mind.<3:rolleyes::D

[Tempestuous]

For some reason now when I see jokes like the one I posted previously you pop into my mind.<3:rolleyes::D

<3<3<3
Ahhhhhh, you think of ME?!?!?!
I am so flattered

:D

(Well kinda, not exactly- but yeah- I am sure you get the idea)

[Tempestuous]

OH MY GOD! You actually made me laugh for once! :first:

What!?!?!?
No WAY!
REALLY?!?!?!?!?
:argh14:

I think I just passed out!

(You don't have to admit it, I know you have chuckled once or twice at my other lame jokes ;))

[Muku]

A LITTLE COUNTRIFIED HUMOR
In the country lived a family that made its living weaving cloth. One day, a debt collector knocked on the door. "Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton." A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?" Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton." When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery. Sure enough, he found poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

[Tempestuous]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...


Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'
:scratchchin:

They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to clean 'em."
:D

[POWNASAURUS]

I got one........

A blonde goes into an Electronics store, after walking around for a while she see's a TV that she wants, she walks over to the counter and says, " excuse me, i'd like to buy that TV" the man behind the counter replies, "Im sorry we dont sell to blondes", pissed at this, she leaves and comes back a few days later when there is a new employee behind the counter, she then says, "I'd like to buy that TV" he then replies once again "sorry we dont sell to blondes" extremely pissed now she goes home, dyes her hair, gets liposuction, gets a new outfit, sunglasses, the whole 9.

The next day she goes back once again, and there is a new employee again behind the counter, she walks up and says she wants to buy the TV, the employee tells her that they dont sell to blondes just like the last two did, infuriated she says, "GODDAMNIT HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW IM EVEN A BLONDE" to which he replies, "Because thats not a TV it's a Microwave"

LOLLERSKATES AND ROFLCOPTERS

[Tempestuous]

Made me smile, cause at first I thought it was one of those Oprah touchy feely, feel good moment type of things.

~~~~
Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.


Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.


Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'


Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there!
Sh*t I could throw all of their @sses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.'

[Muku]

WHO KNEW ANTS MADE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS?

I had an uncle who never said much and kept to himself. He spent most of his time tending to his ant farm. He simply loved the ants. And he knew more about them than anybody I've ever met.

Then, one day, tragedy struck. A strong gale blew the top off his precious ant farm. All the ants were gone.

He called me on the phone, practically in tears.

When I asked what was wrong, he said, "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind!"

If you don't get it here is a hint..... (http://www.bobdylan.com/#/songs/blowin-wind):argh3::argh14::eek:

[dk]

That was really bad... Definitely Temp-worthy...

[Tempestuous]

Should read
" The Ants were my friend...."

Gotta get the PUN right :D

( I love puns)

I haven't heard many good jokes lately, such a bummer!!

[Muku]

Should read
" The Ants were my friend...."

Gotta get the PUN right :D



"The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,"

"The ants are my friends.

Temp read those two lines 10X out loud........:D

(I don't think were fits do you?)

[gtlm2000]

OK, please teach me American joke? :D

[Tempestuous]

Is getting up @ 4 am totally causing me to loose my marbles?
It isn't a play on ants were = answer?

[Muku]

Is getting up @ 4 am totally causing me to loose my marbles?
It isn't a play on ants were = answer?

The ants r........

The play is on the words ants and are, as in the word are is usually pronounced like the letter "r"

[Tempestuous]

Oh good hell!!!
Temp needs a brain/ more rest/ something!!!
(wheres the gigantic DOH!!! smiley?!?!?!?

[Muku]

Oh good hell!!!
Temp needs a brain/ more rest/ something!!!
(wheres the gigantic DOH!!! smiley?!?!?!?

Hell if you had gotten it right away you wouldn't be Temp:D

[Tempestuous]

If I could dispute this.......I would- but there is just no hope :)

[dk]

http://www.opaquelucidity.com/facepalm.jpg

http://www.latinoreview.com/images/user/picard-facepalm.jpg

http://www.meikathon.net/roflmao/facepalm4.jpg

[Muku]

A man showed up at a costume party with a girl on his back. Other partygoers were confused by the man's costume.

Eventually, a woman approached the man and asked about his costume.

"I'm a snail," said the man.

"But there's a girl on your back," the woman replied.

"I know," said the man. "That's Michelle."

[Tempestuous]

Getting better Muku. That one at least made me smile.

[kombu_kid]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly
check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.


"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle,


and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of

rounds into that beaver.'


The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

[kombu_kid]

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'