The "True" Role Models thread and not one about divorce and cheating either...

[Muku]

Inspired by BleuEneG and this quote....
Since the title of this thread is "role models" lets present some. I wish I could start off by giving my parents as an example but unfortunatly they spilt when I was nine. So what about you all; who here has parents that are still married and actually in love?


This got me to thinking Bleu, since more and more parents are divorcing, for what ever the reason may be, I dont think that just because your parents divorced makes them any less role models for you.

Here is a hypothetical case, let's say Mom puts up with an abusive husband, the family never has enough money because both Mom and Dad are lazy and are on welfare and look to get by anyway they can. They have tons of kids and stay married for 40 years. Role models? I dont think so.

Parents get divorced, they realize that they are not fit for each other and accept the fact that they are not going to be happy together and raising their children would be a bigger nail in the coffin. They accept the responsibility jointly to take care, love and raise their children while they are separated and divorced. The children grow up to secure, loving kids realizing that Mom and Dad are human make mistakes, but accept their responsibilities and left them wanting for nothing.

I know this isnt what you probably meant, but your parents could still be role models to you, in my opinion.:thumbup: Of course I dont know the situation but I think you know what I mean.

[BleuEneG]

yeah....i should have been accurate and say role models of a good marriage. it was s dumb question anyway sorry. I think i get into more trouble here than I contribute oooops.

[Muku]

yeah....i should have been accurate and say role models of a good marriage. it was s dumb question anyway sorry. I think i get into more trouble here than I contribute oooops.

Well, good marriage, I wonder what consitutes a good marriage? I often hear about couples that say they never fight, never had an argument, always get along, and poof next week they are divorced.

I dont think it's a dumb question at all. I just have a hard time accepting that just because a couple gets divorced automatically means that either one of them was a "failure" at their marriage.

I think that we put too much emphasis on sticking it out. Sure there are different levels of "difficulties" in a marriage that would cause people to separate. I also think that in some cases people expect too much out of a marriage and when rough times come do not know how to handle the changed situation and rush for the exit.

I dont think I have the "perfect" marriage. By no means at all. Sure I have been married for over 20 years but there were and still are ups and downs between my wife and I. We have an unbelievable amount of pressure on us because of her parents, well mostly her mother, that is a book in the making believe me:cursing:. Except I cant write it till she is :dead: morbid thought isnt it.

Anyway, when we fight our kids see it too. I am not one to hide the bad stuff and only let our kids see the happy times. Heck no that isnt reality that is fantasy in my opinion. But I always let them know we love them and people argue and fight, that's part of life.


Isnt that what a good role model is though? A person or persons that help prepare your offspring for what life is about. Giving them a nurturing environment to grow up in and feel safe.

To me that is more important than just staying married.

[Trail]

Muku, very interesting thread.

IMO, people are disillusioned on how life really is. Nothing is going to be perfect in any shape or form. It's drawing a line at what you accept and what you are happy living with vs. living in misery and leading life you hate. Many people want things perfect and want good role models but sometimes that doesn't work for everyone. To be honest, as a teen and young adult, I learned more from my own friends fVcking up vs. someone preaching the right thing to me. I am also a firm believer in the that "the best lessons learned, are the ones you learn yourself." I don't think I ever looked for a role model, nor have one now. I've always wanted someone there for me when I fall and fVck up to say "It's ok. You've made a mistake, you've learned. I love you anyway." My parents didn't fit the bill necessarily but they tried. Now my "go to person" is my spouse. Role models are outdated IMO. Yes, it's nice to have someone you possibly idolize and do the things they would, but I am for you "you empowering, you." Be who you are without someone telling/advising you what you should and shouldn't do.

Marriage is both a curse and a blessing and In-laws are a plauge!:dead: (at least in my case) Marriage is constant work between two people and not everyone does their fair share of the work always. When work becomes one-sided, that when problems arise. Divorce is a viable option for marriages that have done nothing but turn sour. I do believe it's too easy anymore to get a divorce since many people don't "work" at their marriage in the first place. Then again, it's none of my business whether someone wants to be on their 3rd marriage by 30. Divorced parents can still be role-models and good parents.

What children really need are 2 grounded, sane parents that will agree to take care of them and love them to the best of their ability no matter what. Even if it does mean jointly or separately. Children also need to be kept aware of what is going on between parents as well to a certain degree. I don't believe in hiding fighting but I also don't believe in a child being involved with a large altercation. (extreme verbal assaults, which do happen) There are somethings best settled behind close doors and some that will set an example in a child's mind. It's a matter of being a level-headed parent on when to call time out for the sake of the child. The child will get involved with extreme altercations once they are teen and they will learn how to handle those situations then and will be mature enough to understand some of the dynamics that play a part of a relationship.

[socalheart]

My grandfather told his sons, my father and my uncle, that the secret to his long, happy marriage to my Nana was, "Understand that she wants it done yesterday, and you should know about it the day before she wants it done." That was a different time though; and Nana was a redhead.

The days of my parents was slightly different in comparison. My father was the strong, silent type who provided for his family and that was the right thing to do and should've been enough. My mother learned about personal inner strength and feminism; and turned that into a successful business lasting nearly 30 years that provided for her family. Somewhere in all that, they forgot about the individual needs of the people in that family. Once they divorced, they were easier to live with on a daily basis.

They are two excellent role models, but not such a great married couple model. heh. They're now happily married... to other people. :)

[Bones]

As posted by Muku:

Well, good marriage, I wonder what consitutes a good marriage? I often hear about couples that say they never fight, never had an argument, always get along, and poof next week they are divorced.

Well, here's my take on it. It may be all wrong, and someone will let me know about it if it is. And all of my opinions are based on my second marriage.

The first things about maintaining a good marriage are honesty, trust, and communication. You finally find the woman that you love, so before getting married, sit down and explain to her how that is going to impact your lives. Talk about all of the important things.

The biggest mistake that couples make, imho, are that men tend to go back to their normal habits of going out with the boys after the marriage. Hey she's wearing the ring, you've settled into your new home, everything is cool. No, not everything. She wants you to come home after work, etc....

Let the wife handle the finances, because men just can't. At least in my case. I'm a Tech-Junkie, and want all of the latest toys. Do not try to keep any secrets, because once they adapt to your lifestyle, they'll have other female friends who will rat you out in a heartbeat.

Never, go out to social functions without the wife.

If kids are involved, from a previous marriage (as in my case), embrace the kids and explain to them that you love them as if they are your own. Both of our kids were old enough to have lived on their own, prior to our marriage, so that was a plus. Tell them that even tho you are new to the family, your home is their home. They will always be welcome, and you are there for them.

Let the wife take care of how to treat the rest of the family. In our case, I will always be there for the kids, but buying things for the rest of her family is pretty much limited to food, or helping somebody move to another location. And that, only on my schedule. If they come over to the apartment, and have a special request as far as food, we'll try to accommodate. But us buying their groceries on a daily basis, is not an event that's ever going to happen.

Problems pop up in every marriage. So communication is important. When those problems arise, stop what you are doing, and address them. Turn off everything in your home except for the lights. Playing your favorite video game while trying to resolve the issue is a non-event.

Finally, just because you happen to be the man of the family, doesn't mean that you're the boss. In my case, I prefer to be the boss at work, and let the wife handle how things run at home. Sometimes what I would like to do, conflicts what the wife would like to do, but most often I'll just go with her plan. It's a give and take situation. If it isn't, your life is going down in flames.

We celebrated our daughters birthday last Friday. It's the first time that her boyfriend took us to their "Special Place". It's way too small to accommodate one of our meets. Upon our arrival, several of the regulars asked who we were. "This is my mom, and my step-father", says the daughter.

One of the regulars over there asked where her real father was. She said that he was busy, and that she didn't like his new wife. Another lady said something like: "Hmm, real father busy, step-father here, guess who loves you more? No wonder your mother divorced him."

NBTP

[BleuEneG]

As posted by Muku:



Well, here's my take on it. It may be all wrong, and someone will let me know about it if it is. And all of my opinions are based on my second marriage.

The first things about maintaining a good marriage are honesty, trust, and communication. You finally find the woman that you love, so before getting married, sit down and explain to her how that is going to impact your lives. Talk about all of the important things.

The biggest mistake that couples make, imho, are that men tend to go back to their normal habits of going out with the boys after the marriage. Hey she's wearing the ring, you've settled into your new home, everything is cool. No, not everything. She wants you to come home after work, etc....

Let the wife handle the finances, because men just can't. At least in my case. I'm a Tech-Junkie, and want all of the latest toys. Do not try to keep any secrets, because once they adapt to your lifestyle, they'll have other female friends who will rat you out in a heartbeat.

Never, go out to social functions without the wife.

If kids are involved, from a previous marriage (as in my case), embrace the kids and explain to them that you love them as if they are your own. Both of our kids were old enough to have lived on their own, prior to our marriage, so that was a plus. Tell them that even tho you are new to the family, your home is their home. They will always be welcome, and you are there for them.

Let the wife take care of how to treat the rest of the family. In our case, I will always be there for the kids, but buying things for the rest of her family is pretty much limited to food, or helping somebody move to another location. And that, only on my schedule. If they come over to the apartment, and have a special request as far as food, we'll try to accommodate. But us buying their groceries on a daily basis, is not an event that's ever going to happen.

Problems pop up in every marriage. So communication is important. When those problems arise, stop what you are doing, and address them. Turn off everything in your home except for the lights. Playing your favorite video game while trying to resolve the issue is a non-event.

Finally, just because you happen to be the man of the family, doesn't mean that you're the boss. In my case, I prefer to be the boss at work, and let the wife handle how things run at home. Sometimes what I would like to do, conflicts what the wife would like to do, but most often I'll just go with her plan. It's a give and take situation. If it isn't, your life is going down in flames.

We celebrated our daughters birthday last Friday. It's the first time that her boyfriend took us to their "Special Place". It's way too small to accommodate one of our meets. Upon our arrival, several of the regulars asked who we were. "This is my mom, and my step-father", says the daughter.

One of the regulars over there asked where her real father was. She said that he was busy, and that she didn't like his new wife. Another lady said something like: "Hmm, real father busy, step-father here, guess who loves you more? No wonder your mother divorced him."

NBTP

Thanks for putting it all there and posting this. It sounds like you are one of those good men that are hard to find. :thumbup1:

[Bones]

As posted by Bleu:

Thanks for putting it all there and posting this. It sounds like you are one of those good men that are hard to find.:thumbup1:

Well, I'm far from being the perfect husband. But the things that I had posted previously work for me.

It's a sad thing, when someone can throw his whole life away, after meeting someone at a club for a few minutes, just to find out later, that the "new" love of their lives are not compatible.

By then, it's too late. And no, I don't feel sorry for those idiots.

I'm happy with what I have.

Bones

[P_chan]

I agree with trail. My biggest influence while growing up was my friends. I had good friends, but I also had one's who made some bad decisions. Seeing them **** up made me not want to **** up even more. Sure those guys are still my friends, and I'd help them as much as I can. But at the same time, didn't want to make the same mistakes they did.

I don't think having a "good" role model is a must. Honestly, the best thing you can do is instill good values in your children. Make them WANT to succeed in life. That was what always motivated me. I wanted to succeed and didn't want to end up like some of my classmates.

[Sex Wax]

My Role Model is my pops. We didn't have the easiest of lives when i was coming up, but we always had fun. While he doesnt surf as much anymore, he still protects himself with tinfoil and Capt Morgans !

http://www.clubfuji.com/Ash/DSC05301.JPG

:thumbup1:

[Trail]

Wax, that's great!

[P_chan]

My Role Model is my pops. We didn't have the easiest of lives when i was coming up, but we always had fun. While he doesnt surf as much anymore, he still protects himself with tinfoil and Capt Morgans !

http://www.clubfuji.com/Ash/DSC05301.JPG

:thumbup1:

Funniest thing I've seen all week!

[okisteve]

My best friend from my childhood. His parents are about 96 and in fairly good health, certainly have all their marbles, and I believe still in love. They were really crazy about each other when we were kids, always making sure the bedroom door was locked (I stayed over there a lot).

[Sandchedrick]

I have to say this is quite an interesting post and I really enjoy other readers comments on "role models". I find with my daughter that even at the age of 11 still writes about and tells about her role models as being her mother but especially her father. It is wonderful, to her he is bigger than life, can do anything and will ALWAYS take care of her. It is even more reinforced that he is a Marine, men above all men in her eyes. When does this change? What happens in life that changes a child's perspective to the conversations we are having here today? Reality that we are all just human?

Relationships and family are so difficult to keep healthy, you learn so much as you go because each relationship is different. I as a little girl and even growing up never heard my parents even raise their voices to eachother...at all! Crazy!! What a misconstrued wife I was coming into a marriage (with a Marine for that matter) and not knowing how to deal with conflicts. Not that yelling is always acceptable but in reality it is a human emotion, one that I NEVER witnessed.

To raise our children in a home with unconditional love and acceptance has always seemed like the un-spoken way of our home but to give and show that same unconditional love and acceptance to your husband or wife is sometimes harder to do, we place a lot of expectations on each-other sometimes. How else do they learn except by example?

Wishing you all the best...