Marriage

[tank03]

I recently asked my gf to marry me and she said yes, HOWEVER, she have to talk to her parents first. She's a local, 22 yrs old, only speaks very little English. I'm hoping for the best, but I'm sure her parents are going to be against it :( . But if for some reason it gets ok'd, and we do get married, I scheduled to leave Oki at the end of this year and it would be a major culture shock for her.

What are some things I need to do/expect?

[socalheart]

Expect to do a lot of paperwork. The blood tests alone can take up to two weeks, but usually only a week. The paperwork is what will take the most time. Pchan would know better though, since he did it more recently.

Expect her to go through a major culture shock. If you're moving near family that you get along with, it helps. Wait to have children, because she'll have little to no support apart from you. Help her get to know your next duty station or wherever you're going. Get her an English-Japanese dictionary from off base.

Good luck!

[tank03]

What can she do job-wise? It would be better if I can stay in Oki, I would try to push for that, but if we get sent to the States I don't want her cleaning rooms

[DocTurtle]

Yup, lots of paperwork. You will need to attend the marriage class offered up by the PSC. The PSC (Personal Service Center) will actually have a lot of stuff to help you. I would advise seeing them first and foremost.

You will have a couple labs to do including blood work, TB test, and the basic STD tests. I think she might also have to get a pap done, even if she has had one in the last 6 months. You will also have to do all this blood and lab work so brace yourself for the all mighty bore :argh3:

Do you plan on taking her back to the states? If so, immigration will also be a thing you will want to look into. They just recently upped the price for it so you will want to get it out of the way as soon as possible. SOFA status is another thing that you will want to look into. PSC should be able to help you with that as well.

[atb35]

Just curious, do you speak good Japanese? Aside from the facts mentioned above with the culture shock, missing her family, friends, etc....if you two cant communicate very well, it will make it that much harder. American couples have a hard enough time communicating without a language barrier....just something to keep in mind:)

[tank03]

Just curious, do you speak good Japanese? Aside from the facts mentioned above with the culture shock, missing her family, friends, etc....if you two cant communicate very well, it will make it that much harder. American couples have a hard enough time communicating without a language barrier....just something to keep in mind:)

a little, enough that I can make her laugh :) . We have been teaching each other for the last 7 months

[tank03]

also I'm scheduled to go on the MEU :( so that means I got like 5 or 6 months..that was another thing :(

[Fonze]

I got a question for you tank03, do you plan on living in the states after you get out? The reason is that many locals that marry servicemembers dont want to leave here and then you'll be stuck in a missed up situation. If you don't plan on it then your set. Just a question before you take that big step that you should consider.

[DocTurtle]

Well, remember that immigration can take up to several months. So start that as soon as possible, also, you can take some of the medical work and back ground checks over with you (from command sponsorship to immigration), but they only last up to 1 year max.

[tank03]

I got a question for you tank03, do you plan on living in the states after you get out? The reason is that many locals that marry servicemembers dont want to leave here and then you'll be stuck in a missed up situation. If you don't plan on it then your set. Just a question before you take that big step that you should consider.

If we do get married, I'll stay in and will most likely do 20, I would not mind moving to Okinawa.

[tank03]

Well, remember that immigration can take up to several months. So start that as soon as possible, also, you can take some of the medical work and back ground checks over with you (from command sponsorship to immigration), but they only last up to 1 year max.

do you have to already have had the ceremony before you start that?

[Fonze]

Thats cool.I was just saying cause I know many,but not all JP spouses only care about staying close to their families and not about you being near yours.

[tank03]

Thats cool.I was just saying cause I know many,but not all JP spouses only care about staying close to their families and not about you being near yours.

Well the only family I know of is my sister and she's in the Army and planning on retiring in Hawaii, so I'm up for anything

[tank03]

could she get dual citizenship?

[DocTurtle]

do you have to already have had the ceremony before you start that?
I think so, but not 100% on that. I think as long as you are legally married to her then it should be fine. Wedding pictures never hurt though for the immigration interview. They will ask for proof of relationship when you do the first interview. So if you have e-mails, bills, letters, love notes, birthday cards, or anything else keep those somewhere you can find them.

As far as dual citizen ship, I don't see why not. I don't know if immigration is part of that or not. My wife is Australian and she didn't want American citizenship, just wanted to immigration part, so no help from me on that. Sorry.

[IndyGal]

I would suggest you trying to extend before taking the big plunge into marriage. It sounds like you need to have more time to get to know each other better and also get to know her family. That way you will know more on where she stands as far as moving to the states for a short or long period of time. Also having the support and approval of her family would help I am sure.

I have witnessed more guys leaving alone than with their Okinawan spouse. It is truly sad when the serviceman has managed to stay for quite awhile, they have a child/children and he loses it all when he is stationed in the states.

Just something to think about. I do wish you luck.

[Muku]

could she get dual citizenship?
No she cant get dual citizenship. Japan does not recognize them officially for a number of historical reasons.

Next Tank......one thing here, you said she had to ask her parents for permission, that tells me that she is traditionally minded and probably feels comfortable close to home. Thats a guess on my part though, so odds are she will feel more comfortable living here.

Please seriously think this through, she doesnt speak great English, you dont speak great Japanese. Being gf/bf is one thing but marriage is another one altogether. Will your family be able to watch over her when you go on the MEU? She is going to have to fend for herself damn near 100% while you are gone right? Will you have time to teach her enough english to get along at a bank? Post Office, a doctor if need be? Will she be able to pay the bills, the rent electricity etc etc. Oh and since Japan doesnt have checking accounts like there are in the states are you going to be able to explain and teach her about how to use and manage a checkbook with out it getting getting into trouble?

Would it be smarter for her to stay here while you go on the MEU and then wait until you return before having her in the states with you?

Oh on the visa app, you need to get in touch with the consulate here for the necessary paperwork to apply for the fiance visa too. That takes time.

Guy I have been married for over 20 years now to an Okinawan woman, there are still times to this day that we miscommunicate because of differences in our languages.....she speaks English and I speak Japanese too...and we still misfire because of cultural differences.

Please think about this....being happy, and having a great friend are one thing, and maybe, probably, I am out of line here for saying this and I apologize if I am...and having sex with a woman and enjoying her and thinking that you want to get married is something else.

How are you going to communicate with each other after the sex is over? Are you going to have enough patience to wait for the definition from a dictionary? Think Tank....please.

[Muku]

What can she do job-wise? It would be better if I can stay in Oki, I would try to push for that, but if we get sent to the States I don't want her cleaning rooms
Let me ask you in the reverse here.....

Think if there were no bases here in Okinawa, OK?

What kind of job could YOU get here not knowing enough Japanese even to open your own bank account or something similar.

That should answer your question for you.

[Muku]

Well the only family I know of is my sister and she's in the Army and planning on retiring in Hawaii, so I'm up for anything

Tank Fonze is talking about your gf I think not you. Would your gf, after getting married, your wife, feel comfortable living away from her family and ALONE for extended periods of time?

Think about that one seriously please.

[DocTurtle]

Tank, I hope that you don't take Muku's words as being a dick, (he is an old radical after all, lol) but he's right on a lot of those points. Hopefully these are things that both of you have already talked about and have sorted out. Otherwise, you're going to be getting a nice surprise come PCS time. :scared:

[Muku]

Tank, I hope that you don't take Muku's words as being a dick, (he is an old radical after all, lol) but he's right on a lot of those points. Hopefully these are things that both of you have already talked about and have sorted out. Otherwise, you're going to be getting a nice surprise come PCS time. :scared:

Thanks Doc....I hope I am not coming across to him as one, just hoping that a bit of reality is in order here and not just tell him what he wants to hear but what I think he needs to hear.

There are many other things I could have written about reasons why not to get married, but in the end it comes down to him and her as well.

I dont want either of them to get hurt because of miscommunication, which I am afraid to say here, sounds to me anyway, has a huge potential of happening because of both sides lack of ability at communicating in one common language. Either Japanese or English.

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Now then, if he gets to the point that he decides FOR SURE that they are going to get married he needs to get in touch with the FSC at his base. I seem to remember having heard a PSA on AFN talking about new spouses orientations and foreign spouses or future spouses orientations.

If I recall correctly they discuss about get adjusted to living in the US and help the foreign spouses with issues like I talked about in my previous post here.

The FSC should be able to get him pointed in the right direction.

I understand where he is coming from, the 100 million questions he has and the frustration at not getting an answer right off the bat.

But I still think he really needs to consider the communication issue more deeply and seriously. Not saying dont get married not at all, just think what kind of marriage are you going to have if you cant talk to each other in more than 2 syllable words.

[hankypanky]

with you going out on the meu again, it might be better to wait. does she have a job here in okinawa? being only a corporal doesn't give you alot of time at the house, and deployments will really put her at ends.

Best thing you can do if you plan on moving with her to states, once you find out where your going, get in tough with an okinawan club close to your base. okinawans really take care of each other. it would help her feeling welcome and answer questions that she has that other "seasoned" okinawan spouses can answer. and they'll look out for her also if you deploy again..

retired gunny with 2 okinawan wives, past and present.

[DocTurtle]

Don't try to get married before you go on the MEU! I've seen a lot of people get married right before the spouse gets deployed and when he or she gets back the dependent doesn't want to be with them anymore because they have found someone new. NOT SAYING THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR CASE! Just that I've seen it a couple times here and there.

[Bones]

Don't expect any help from "The American Consulate."

We went through paperwork-hell, that lasted almost a year.

All of your new wife's physicals, have to be accomplished off-base. The on-base clinics don't have any weight with Japanese Emigration Officials.

I'm also guessing that while your wife knows some English, that she's going to faced by people who "claim" not to understand her.

Just some of the things that we've faced, but I wish you the best of luck.

NBTP

[okisteve]

I can understand your attraction to an Okinawan woman and wanting to make it "permanent", and I am sure many similar marriages have worked out. But an awful lot have not, also. You and she are youngsters, which puts you in a high risk group for divorce even if you had grown up together, and personally I would say you are looking at pretty long odds.

Can you get any advice and counseling at your base? Even if you feel like you've made a committment to her and it would not be manly to back out, maybe she needs to get realistic too. Maybe her parents will just withhold their permission because they are a little wiser than she is.

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

[hankypanky]

or you could do what i did with my wife now. instead of going through all the paperwork, just get your gf a passport, fly to vegas and get married. when you get back, have the marriage cert. translated, take to city office, and then to your admin. finished. i wasn't going to go through all that bull redtape again. in 1 week of vacation, it was certified and done. but after your deployment first. give her time to get her passport. :thumbup1:

[P_chan]

Well, nothing I could say that everyone else hasn't already.

The biggest headache is all the paperwork.

[socalheart]

Don't forget the bit about getting command sponsorship to add her to your orders, otherwise she isn't going anywhere with you and doesn't count for squat. I didn't want to be the negative nelly, but I agree that y'all should wait. When a woman has to ask permission to marry, it usually means two things: she's traditional and from a traditional family, or she doesn't really want to marry you right now. Then again, I'm against folks getting married before the age of 25... heh.

[Oxmix]

When I first met my wife she didn't speak much English and I didn't speak Korean. It worked out. We have been together for almost 25 years, 22 plus of those years married. Once she learns English you probably won't be able to shut her up. :D Your being in the military does add a component that we never came up against.

If you come to the US find a local Japanese church or a Japanese Womans Association. The people she meets there can help her to adjust and not feel quite so out of place.

Good luck and best wishes.

Regards

Ox

[Oxmix]

or you could do what i did with my wife now. instead of going through all the paperwork, just get your gf a passport, fly to vegas and get married. when you get back, have the marriage cert. translated, take to city office, and then to your admin. finished. i wasn't going to go through all that bull redtape again. in 1 week of vacation, it was certified and done. but after your deployment first. give her time to get her passport. :thumbup1:

I like it, sounds like something I would do. There is always more than one way to skin a cat. :D

One day a friend of W.C.Fields happened to notice W.C. reading a Bible. W.C. he said, I didn't know that you were religious. W.C. replied, just looking for loop holes.

Regards

Ox

[P_chan]

Yes, definatly get command sponsorship ASAP. Also make sure she has a valid passport, so she can get on your travel orders.

I've got everything done (including command sponsorship) up until a visa.

[stone_crazy]

good luck. if she can't speak english, then she's gonna be very limited in the US. you have to translate everything for her. 7 months of conversational Japanese ain't sh!t. you don't want to put your wife throught that much stress. trust me, the fights are going to be intense. without the luxury of meaningful communication, you can look forward to your relationship slowly deteriorating. My wife is taking ESL classes 4 times a week in order to get by in the US. She couldn't speak English when we first met, but I could speak Japanese. I don't think our relationship could have lasted had I not been able to master Japanese.

she will not be self-sufficient if she can't speak English. Good luck. Think before you make this decision. You don't want to fucc up both your lives because you didn't think this through.

Go ahead and hate, but I'm just being real.

[Muku]

When I first met my wife she didn't speak much English and I didn't speak Korean. It worked out. We have been together for almost 25 years, 22 plus of those years married. Once she learns English you probably won't be able to shut her up. :D Your being in the military does add a component that we never came up against.

If you come to the US find a local Japanese church or a Japanese Womans Association. The people she meets there can help her to adjust and not feel quite so out of place.

Good luck and best wishes.

Regards

Ox
OX more power to you, yet I would venture to say that you are more the exception rather than the rule. I agree with you about the Japanese Associations as well. Around many of the US Marine bases there are more than a few Okinawan's as well, except many of them are older women who came to the states during a different time period and have jaded memories of their lives back here.

That is the impression my wife and I got when we were in NC.:o

[BigMan40]

No she cant get dual citizenship. Japan does not recognize them officially for a number of historical reasons.

Next Tank......one thing here, you said she had to ask her parents for permission, that tells me that she is traditionally minded and probably feels comfortable close to home. Thats a guess on my part though, so odds are she will feel more comfortable living here.

Please seriously think this through, she doesnt speak great English, you dont speak great Japanese. Being gf/bf is one thing but marriage is another one altogether. Will your family be able to watch over her when you go on the MEU? She is going to have to fend for herself damn near 100% while you are gone right? Will you have time to teach her enough english to get along at a bank? Post Office, a doctor if need be? Will she be able to pay the bills, the rent electricity etc etc. Oh and since Japan doesnt have checking accounts like there are in the states are you going to be able to explain and teach her about how to use and manage a checkbook with out it getting getting into trouble?

Would it be smarter for her to stay here while you go on the MEU and then wait until you return before having her in the states with you?

Oh on the visa app, you need to get in touch with the consulate here for the necessary paperwork to apply for the fiance visa too. That takes time.

Guy I have been married for over 20 years now to an Okinawan woman, there are still times to this day that we miscommunicate because of differences in our languages.....she speaks English and I speak Japanese too...and we still misfire because of cultural differences.

Please think about this....being happy, and having a great friend are one thing, and maybe, probably, I am out of line here for saying this and I apologize if I am...and having sex with a woman and enjoying her and thinking that you want to get married is something else.

How are you going to communicate with each other after the sex is over? Are you going to have enough patience to wait for the definition from a dictionary? Think Tank....please.

Yeah Tanko3 please take the advise from Muku. I have been married 10 years. I took some time of teaching my wife all that those things. I mean I decided to stay here because I always been away from home so it was here for me to stay here than take here back and be culture shock. Plus she is very tradional and love to stay next to her happy this is why her happy was really ok for me to marry her because I stayed here. Just really think about it ok. I wish you luck

[socalheart]

My father can totally vouch for this as well. LOL. :thumbup:
When I first met my wife she didn't speak much English ... Once she learns English you probably won't be able to shut her up. :D

[Muku]

Yo Tank how you doing guy? I see you are on line I truly wish you well. :D Any updates?

[okisteve]

Yo Tank how you doing guy? I see you are on line I truly wish you well. :D Any updates?

Looking back on your original post, it looks like you will be here for another 10-1/2 months, so why don't you really, seriously, check out whether you and she are going to work out. You can use some of the suggestions made here because they are based on experience that is priceless. "Look before you leap" almost always works.

Good luck whichever way you jump.

[stone_crazy]

^^^He speaks the troof. Once the novelty of dating an exotic foreign lady wears off, you'll find temptation all around you. Especially in the states where women can participate in truly meaningful conversation that 7 months worth of Japanese practice can never come close to.

If you can't assimilate into her culture and vice versa, then there are going to be so many problems.

[kombu_kid]

Good luck to you tank03.....I take it you've been going with your girl for 7 months, right? You might want to remain at the boy/girlfriend stage for quite a bit longer to make absolutely sure you 2 are locked onto each other for real. I mean, hey, that doesn't necessarily mean you 2 aren't totally serious about the relationship, just......who wants to get married then divorce? And going on any long term training exercises is going to be the first of possibly many strains that will be put on her, and you. It's just a good idea for you two to have lots of time spent together, unmarried, to ensure you're both "down for the long haul" and neither one of you is interested in "bouncing around" & checking out other people or just checking out life in general a bit more before marriage.

My wife arrived in L.A. @ age 23 (after I got out of the Corps, got a decent job & apartment) and it was rough on her at first. No friends or family at all for her here, and she was pregnant with our first child. Talk about stressed out! But I think my wife is tougher than most and definitely was committed to making it work. It was a slow process of her learning english enough to function in everyday living. BTW, we were at the boy/girlfriend level for some years.

I tried to do that stinkin' fiancee visa thing, waited months & months, then it came back denied. I was so pissed off I could've chewed up nails & spit out bullets! But being the rock-headed jarhead that I am, I jumped on a plane, flew back to Oki and married her at the American or Japanese (?) Consulate, then waited for her to arrive in L.A. All in all, it's worked out well.....she's put up with all my s**t over the years, and I've tried to cope with some of her "phases" too.......like looking at her (mostly when she first arrived in L.A.) and just knowing she's thinking...."what the f**k am I doing here?"

Oh yeah, gotta have a great sense of humor......both of you! Helps knock the "edge" off a lot of lousy situations.

[DocTurtle]

Update Tank, update!!