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Product Instructions for the Mentally Challenged

Date Posted: 2000-06-16

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boots’ Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accident if we = could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious).

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, = eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta).

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not = enable you to fly". (I don't blame the company I blame parents for this one).

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief!)

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